I despair and You are there.

I have indeed gone mad.
I am not in my right mind.
They are right – they said I was a crazy woman. They said my ‘bhakthi’ was not real. Anyone with bhakthi should be able to see the divinity in everyone before them. That is why we use the anjali when we greet anyone – because we see the divinity in them.
Why is it that I am lost in this fictitious love?
Why can I not be normal, Krishna? Why have you taken away my senses?
They thought marriage would cure me of my insanity. Why then must I still hanker after a love that is not in this physical plane?
Poor rana – I feel pity, when I see him. He is indeed in love with me – but as a person. His love is for this mortal flesh and physical mind. He cannot understand the depth of spirit that lurks in my kohl-lined eyes or the wounded heart that lies beneath these zari-lined folds.
If my bhakthi is real, why can I not see Krishna in this rana, the way the gopikas saw Krishna everywhere? Why can I not bring myself to believe the rana is my Krishna?
I have no desire to live anymore.
I despair.

eyes close…
darkness…
blink…
blink…
eyes open…

Krishna!
My eyes see none but Krishna.
I see my Krishna everywhere!
I know nothing but Krishna!

Iss matwali kaari duniya mein
Morai Kaanha, tohe kahan dhoondhu mai,
Mein tori raah ektook ho dekhoo
Bus aur kuch bhi naa janoo mai


Editor’s note: My Krishna works in mysterious ways. Most of all, He likes to wait until I despair before He reveals himself to me. I need but cry and close my eyes and think, ‘Giridhari? Giridhari… Giridhari! GIRIDHARI! giridhari… giridhari…’ and lo! He is there in all His heart-wrenching beauty. Once I let go of this world, He pulls me back and tells me my life is not over yet. He will give me a reason to stay only if I give Him my reason to leave.